oh!......it's theLuke!

Before you called I had just smoked a poorly rolled joint with some papers in my truck. I was eating a Clif bar about to watch the tele when you called. I didn’t realize what was happening until your picture popped up on my phone. It’s the one I captured that night we almost drank at the Starline to watch Unwritten Law. When I first heard your voice my heart leapt. Last night after you told me you were going to rehab again my mind went straight to the evening we first smoked together…the meeting before the meeting. We had both intended on going to NP but I was having the crazies because I had smoked a month earlier after nearly 9 months of sobriety. You said, “So just smoke…We’ll do it an that’s it.” It made me feel good that I wasn’t the only person that felt that way. It also made me weary…was I ready for what would come next? Last night all I could think about was how horrible a friend I was to use with you, especially after all that crazy girl shit you tie yourself in. Was it my decision that led to this? I’m so grateful that you called me and told me roughly what went down. You know that after you said that you want to move back to Santa Barbara and that I should come I found 2 jobs at libraries…in Goleta and downtown. I’m cleaning up too my dooooood. I made it to the Europe soberly this year so 2012 should be no different. I hope you get well buddy and that you’ll call like you said. I was all tore up the last time you fell off the radar…you had helped me grow in such a short period of time….like 5 months.. I went to a Bikram class this morning. You got me into that back in January. And I don’t think I would have ever found so much peace or the centeredness I thought I had without the book you gave me, “When Things Fall Apart.” I’m glad you didn’t succeed with your attempt bruh because I love you man! I’m a better and happier person when you are in my life and it’s nice to know that the crazy shit that goes on in my head is probably going through yours..I didn’t feel so alone..it was nice to actually have a friend again. I have not had a bond with someone like you since Cal Poly.

I’m uneasy. It’s hard to feel level again after the high I had in the Europe. Now I’m just going through the motions of life. Go to work. Go to school. Get shit done. I don’t remember when my last meeting was but I fell free now. Its uneasy but its the type of uneasiness that changes you as you ride on waiting to catch that high again. I’m not drinking but I’m smoking again. That’s what started this whole spur of revelations. When I was moving my dooood to the bay I swooped up his little BIG brother on the way. The kids a trip and guy had an anxiety attack, freaking out, throwing out exaggerated hand gestures and clinching his fist to his big nogggin. He smoked a blee and I reluctantly joined in….it was premeditated. I had planned on smoking when we got to the city and meet up with their older sista. I had a loss of identity…..I didn’t know who I was after relapse.. I didn’t drink…and it had been nearly a year without the hooch when I inhaled the swish. I was freaking out and then did it a weak later I did it again, playing on this boys feelings to get him to invite me to his fashion show, smoke pipe weed, and bought me a ticket to see Contagion in IMAX. All to easy..it was a queezy drive home. For over a week I rolled the thought of FAILING Sobriety over and over again in my head, like an extra large dryer full of prison linens. Relief finally came on my way to meeting, catching up with a program friend…”the meeting before the meeting.” I told him what was going on in my head and he very easily subdued my angst by suggesting that I knew I would feel better

My grades need to be higher. My weight needs to be lower. My stomach needs to be flatter. My wallet needs to be fatter. My skin needs to be tanner. My teeth need to be whiter. My heart needs to be stronger. My friends need to be uglier. My face needs to be prettier. My hair needs to be longer. My skirt needs to be shorter. My body needs to be hotter. My image needs to be cooler. My boobs need to be bigger. My waist needs to be smaller. Damn, society really knows how to make you feel like a piece of shit. 

(Source: taleofateenagegirl)

Anonymous asked: You go to Reedley College? Do you like it and would you recommend it? Is it a good transfer school to UC'S? And how the on-campus dorms?

i did go to the main reedley campus spring semester.  it is a nice campus and it is a good transfer school to UCs.  i now go to a center from reedley, the willow international center in fresno and it is all a great campus.  i don’t know anything about the dorms at reedley college….

Anonymous asked: Hi, I know it probably won't mean much coming from some random anon but I just wanted to say I'm proud of you for managing to stay sober as long as you have and for working on keeping it that way. Keep up the good work, hon. :)

thanks, i greatly appreciate the support. i means a lot, even from an anon.